TBNN has learned of a scandal going on within the Vatican. Although no official announcement has yet been made, our sources tell us that Pope Benedict has converted to Christianity. How could this happen? How could the leader of the Roman Catholic Faith convert to another religion? The Pope’s journey is interesting and educating for us all. Several months ago, the Vatican began encouraging all Catholics to read great Catholic theologians. The thought was that this would increase the people’s faith in the work of Rome. Possible authors included Thomas Aquinas, Johann Eck, Karl Rahner, and Mel Gibson.
In the midst of all this, one thing occurred which no one could predict. The Pope himself began to read Augustine. The Pope apparently did not realize that both Catholics and Protestants claim him as one of their great theologians. The Pontiff reportedly started by reading “Confessions.” One source told us that he couldn’t put the book down and was late to a mass because of it.
Protestants have never claimed that Augustine’s theology was purely biblical. He made some mistakes along the way. However, he also greatly affected Martin Luther, John Calvin, and other Reformers for the good. His stress on the sovereignty of God could be heard throughout the turmoil of the 1500’s. We at TBNN assume that Pope Benedict did not know that Augustine had such impact upon Luther, etc. We don’t think Luther has yet been declared a favorite son of the Vatican.
Pope Benedict’s journey through Augustine was completed when he tackled “On the Trinity.” The Pope reportedly struggled a great deal with this one because the Virgin Mother does not play an important role in this text. In fact, she is not mentioned as a significant part of the God-head at all. She is not even mentioned as Co-Redemptrix.
This is when things got out of hand. Due to the influence of Augustine, Pope Benedict began to read the bible. He learned about the grace and sufficiency of Christ. Furthermore, he couldn’t find any mention of the immaculate conception, the assumption of Mary, transubstantiation, extreme unction, purgatory, or even a Pope. He couldn’t even find anything about those funky, red Cardinal outfits.
After finishing the books of Genesis, John, and Romans, the Pope experienced what can only be called a “dark night of the soul” that lasted for three days. He neither ate nor drank. He remained in his quarters praying and singing.
What happened next is difficult to believe, but has been verified by three different sources. The Pope came out of his room after the third night with a big smile on his face. He addressed the Cardinals in normal, everyday clothing (khakis and a Polo shirt), and told them that after reading Augustine and the bible, he had become a Christian.
It is difficult to determine with clarity what occurred after that. The Vatican is being extremely secretive about it. We do know that there was a large argument within the body of Cardinals about it. Some were excited while others were aghast. The Pope himself seemed to be filled with joy.
Pope Benedict has scheduled a public speech in front of St. Peter’s Basilica this coming Friday afternoon. We do not know what he will say, but TBNN has heard rumors about the title of the address. It will be called, “I read Augustine, and now I don’t get the Mass.”